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第19部分（第1页）

York　was　like　pulling　a　gigantic　Band…Aid　off　her　whole　fucking　life；　exposing　the　raw；　oozing　parts　of　her　past　that　hadn’t　healed。

Pete　kept　his　gaze　on　Blair。　“Help　me　understand；”　he　said　slowly。

Blair　looked　from　the　flat…screen　television　mounted　against　the　wall　to　the　black　and　granite　wet　bar　in　the　next　room。　She　usually　loved　hotels；　but　now　everything　seemed　too　sterile；　too　anonymous。　She　wished　they　were　back　in　their　cluttered　New　Haven　rental。

Blair　kicked　off　one　Sigerson　Morrison　pump；　then　the　other；　and　folded　her　legs　under　her　on　the　bed。　She　had　to　tell　him。　He’d　met　her　weird　mom　and　her　gross；　fat　stepfather。　He’d　spent　hours　taking　pictures　of　Blair　and　her　toddler　sister；　Yale；　playing　in　the　pool　in　the　backyard　of　her　family’s　Pacific　Palisades　home。　He　knew　her。

Blair　took　a　deep　breath。　“I　saw　my　ex。　Making　out　with　my　best　friend。　And　we’re　not　together　anymore；　obviously。”　Blair　mustered　a　weak　laugh　that　came　out　like　a　bark。　“But　it　was　still　weird…　hard；　I　guess；”　she　added。

A　cloud　had　passed　over　Pete’s　usually　open　face。

“Do　I　know　who　this　ex　is？”　Pete　asked；　taking　his　hand　off　hers。

“It’s　Nate。　It　was　Nate　and　Serena。”　Blair　said　simply。　She’d　talked　about　Nate　only　in　vague　terms；　usually　in　reference　to　a　story　from　when　they　were　kids。　Before　things　got　so　plicated。

“Nate；”　Pete　repeated。　“The　one　you　used　to　go　to　the　zoo　with。”

Blair　nodded；　trying　to　figure　out　what　she　should　say　next；　but　all　she　could　do　was　think　about　meandering　lazily　through　the　Central　Park　Zoo　with　Nate。　He’d　liked　the　penguins；　she’d　liked　the　polar　bears。　That　is；　until　Serena　decided　she　liked　the　polar　bears　more。　Serena　used　to　stand　in　front　of　the　habitat　talking　to　them；　as　if　she　knew　some　sort　of　secret　language　only　they　could　understand。　Blair　laughed　bitterly。　Why　did　Serena　have　to　pop　up　in　all　her　memories？

Maybe　because　she　was　there？

“We　were　all　friends；　and　then　in　tenth　grade；　Nate　and　I　started　dating。　And　then　that　summer；　when　I　was　in　Scotland　for　a　wedding；　Nate　and　Serena　slept　together；　and　I　didn’t　find　out　until　senior　year。”　A　fresh　sob　escaped　Blair’s　throat。　She　suddenly　recalled　how　she’d　first　found　out。　It　was　when　she　and　Nate　were　just　about　to　sleep　together　for　the　first　time。

“Do　you　still　have　feelings　for　him？”　Pete　asked。　Blair　cleared　her　throat　a　little　haughtily。　What　was　with　the　third　degree？　His　ex…girlfriend；　an　anthropology　bitch　named　Lindsey；　glared　at　Blair　whenever　they　crossed　paths　on　campus　and　Blair　never　plained。

Blair　stood　up　and　wavered　over　to　the　minibar。　She　was　determined　not　to　let　the　image　of　Serena　and　Nate　fuck　up　her　night。　And　what　better　way　than　to　have　another　drink？

“Are　you　still　in　love　with　him？”　Pete　pressed；　trailing　behind　her。

Blair　whirled　around；　a　mini　bottle　of　vodka　in　her　hand。　Why　couldn’t　he　just　let　it　go？　“No；”　she　said　flatly。　She　wasn’t　in　love　with　Nate。　She’d　moved　on。　She　had　Pete　now。　Duh。

“Okay；”　Pete　said　slowly。　His　blue　eyes　still　looked　slightly　wary；　but　he　wearily　ran　a　hand　through　his　thick　blond　hair。

“I’m　in　love　with　you；”　Blair　clarified。　It　was　true。　But　she　was　surrounded　by　all　these　feelings　from　her　high　school　past　and　it　was　hard　to　let　them　go　just　like　that。

“I　just　need　you　to　be　honest　with　me…。”　Pete　pushed　away　the　tumbler　of　vodka　impatiently。　“Just　tell　me　that　nothing　has　happened　between　you　since　high　school。”

Blair　looked　at　her　reflection　in　the　mirror　above　the　bar。　Her　chestnut　brown　hair　was　limp　around　her　face　and　her　black　La　Perla　bra　strap　had　inched　down　her　shoulder。　Her　small；　lean　face　was　blotchy　and　red。　And　still；　Pete　loved　her。　Real　couples　loved　each　other　no　matter　what。　He　needed　to　know　everything。　And　then　it　really　would　be　over。

She　ran　her　hands　through　her　hair　and　turned　around；　waiting　until　Pete’s　eyes　connected　with　hers。　“Last　winter　break；　Nate　and　I　hooked　up　on　New　Year’s；”　Blair　said　quickly。　“I　didn’t　even　know　he　would　be　in　New　York；　I　thought　he　was　sailing　around　the　world；　but　then　we　ended　up　at　the　same　party；　and　we　were　both　by　ourselves　and　you　were　in　Costa　Rica　and　‘no　ring；　no　bring；’　and　it　just　happened。　But　that　was　last　year；　it　only　happened　once；　and　now　it　seems　he　and　Serena　are　together；　so　good　for　them；”　Blair　finished。　There。　That　didn’t　sound　too　bad。　She’d　acknowledged　it　for　what　it　was：　a　dumb　mistake　that　would　never　happen　again。

Never　say　never…。

Blair　picked　up　her　glass　and　took　a　long；　relieved　sip。　She　felt　like　a　weight　had　been　lifted　from　her　chest。　“I’m　really　glad　I　told　you；”　Blair　confessed；　reaching　out　to　grab　Pete’s　hand。

Pete　yanked　his　arm　away　as　if　he’d　been　burned。　His　face　looked　ashen。　“You　mean；　you　slept　with　him；”　he　finally　choked　out。

“But　it　didn’t　mean　anything！”　Blair　said　quickly。　She　hadn’t　really　thought　through　what　her　confession　would　mean　to　Pete。　“It　was　just　a　dumb；　onetime　mistake　that　happened　because　a　lot　of　old　feelings　got　stirred　up。”

“You　cheated。”　Pete　shook　his　head　in　disbelief。　“Jesus　Christ；　I’m　a　fucking　idiot！　You　cheated　and　you　never　told　me。　I　gave　you　a　ring！”

“No！”　Blair　said　desperately。　She　had　to　make　him　understand　that　it　hadn’t　meant　anything。　“I　haven’t　thought　about　him　since；”　Blair　added；　her　voice　rising　hysterically。